Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.

Danger: Men thinking 

Dear Dorothy,
Hate Oz!! Took the shoes!
Find your own way home!!!!
-- Toto

Don't let your mind wander ... it's too small to be out on it's own.

Don't worry about the world coming to an end today. It's already tomorrow in Australia. - Charles Schultz

Future benefits result from hard work
Laziness has immediate results today.

Give a man an inch and he'll think he's a ruler.

Good morning, let the stress begin.

Having a bad hair day???

Hukt awn fonix wurkt fur mee!

I don't do mornings

I had some words with my wife - she had some paragraphs with me!

I take life with a grain of salt...
A wedge of lime and a shot of Tequila.

I read this article that said the typical symptoms of stress are; eating too much, impulse buying, and driving too fast.
--Are they kidding? That's my idea of a perfect day.

I'd love to help you out!
Which way did you come in?!

I'll give you something to talk about.

I'm not always right ... but I'm NEVER wrong

I'm not driving badly ... I'm just multi tasking.

I'm so far behind; I won't be able to die for another 100 years.

I'm up and dressed, what more do you want?

If I can't fix it ... it must NOT be broken!

If you're too open minded, your brains will fall out.

Insufficient memory at this time.

It is what it is. (Unless, of course, it isn't)

Junk is something you've kept for years and throw away three weeks before you need it.

Just because I don't care doesn't mean I don't understand.

The left hand doesn't know what the right hand is doing.

Life's not fair ... get used to it.

A legend in his own mind.

Marriage is finding that special someone you want to annoy for the rest of your life.

National Sarcastic Society like we really need your support!

Please don't interrupt me when I'm talking to myself.

Professional Critic

Sarcasm: just one more service I render.

Someday my ship will come in. I'm sure I'll be waiting at the airport.

This job is a test. It is only a test. Had It been an actual job, you would have received bonuses, raises, and promotions.

Working hard, or hardly working?

You can agree with me or you can be wrong!

You've got to be kidding!